I have all of these random thoughts
My mind is loose
Spiraling
Going down the rabbit hole
On a journey with no map, no
Chosen destination
Randomly twelve year old me thinks
“Someday, someone is going to want me”
And abruptly
Thirty three year old me starts crying
The quiet part of my mind watches
Detached
Surprised
In exhaustion I feel both the sensations that I am “Okay”
and also horribly sad at the same time
I sit up
The thought spiral is broken as now this one phrase has stuck on repeat like a broken record
And I can’t stop the sadness
Or the longing
Or the wishing
I’m still that 12 year old kid
Hoping that when I grow up
I’ll be attractive to someone
Something will change
There’s still time
To change my life
To start a new phase
To meet new people
There’s still time
For someone to want me
Poetry
When You Were Here
When you were here
I could speak without words
When you were here
I could listen without sound
A kiss for hello
A touch for your mine
This is language of our old life
I miss your hands on my neck
And your body on mine
I miss your laugh and your moods
And the way we’d fight
It seems I’ve discovered a new way to cry
I was single before you
But now I’m empty inside
When you were here
I could feel all that you said
Each kiss was a promise
Each touch was a pledge
Tell me I get you
Tell me I’m here
Tell me I’m worth it
I wont disappear
Without you the chorus is humming a lie
The kisses are gone
The touch says goodbye
I wake from a dream
And the pillow is cold
The memory fades
And now I don’t know
Was it all make believe
Was it all in my head
You can blame it on me
We can both fantasize
But did I dream your I love yous
Did I dream all your smiles
Did I dream how you held me
In our old life
When you were here
I could speak without words
Hate is the Demon in the Dark, Creeping in to the Light. Disguised as Safety and Might.
Hate is the thing that thrives in disguise
Hidden behind righteousness
The cloak is Justice but it’s true face is Vengeance
Hate is the Boogeyman in the closet
The gun that thinks it’s name is protection
Familiarity may be a comfort
But it’s dark side is fear of what we don’t understand
Fear of the other
Bravery is not taking up arms against this other
But opening up our doors and taking a chance
Step outside with me and help me hold the torch
The most dangerous threat to society is not the stranger from outside
It’s the voice within ourselves that wants to build a wall
To guard against the Boogeyman
The other isn’t a demon. Or a thug. She is us. She may speak another language, know another world. She is alien and yet…ours. She is human. Her heart beats like mine. She is flawed like me. Beautiful.
Turn on the light. Open your eyes and our arms and see…
Hate is the thing that makes us harm ourselves.
Wish
Dreams have come and gone
Some goals reached some not
Most bigger and more important than
Romance- and yet
I’m driving through tunnels again
And holding my breath
I want to be enough to be loved
When the light begins I breathe
And try to shake it off
And to think of the goals that I will meet
Of the dreams I’ve yet to have
Old News
write me a letter
draw me a sign
give me an answer
why aren’t you mine?
when did we fall apart
when did we lose
suddenly I’m not half of something any more
but I didn’t get to choose
Hello, Old Friend.
I called to wish you Happy Birthday
I called to say Merry Christmas
I called because it’s Wednesday
I called just to say hey, catch me up
Honestly, I just called to hear your voice
Somehow, after everything we’ve been through,
Despite the miles between us,
And the new love in your life,
And that thing that came and went in mine,
Somehow, I hear you on the other end of the line,
And something settles inside of me
Something that feels a lot like home.
As I travel around the world
See the Northern Lights, the far horizons, the distant shores
Feel the wild rush of the new
You tell me I’m running
It’s not so untrue
What if I’m not running away but towards something
I haven’t found it yet
Maybe I never will
I can’t know unless I try
Maybe I’ll never settle
Still leaping off of rooftops trying to fly
I call because I love you
You let me be- completely myself
I miss you on the other end of this line
I wish you’d answer this time.
Happy Birthday, Old Man
where were you when the world turned grey
when the quiet opened up our senses
to something new
where was your heart in that moment
when the air around us became full
the motes of dust had immense weight
the light soft
the sounds dimmed by the presence of infinity
were you honest
were you kind
did you let her in, let her love you
despite the fear that you might die
Rainy days remind me of you
Of curling up on a couch near to a window
Listening to the storm
Water pounding on the glass
Gusts of wind that shake the sheets of rain
The tune is not predicable
The vibrations of sound ebbing and flowing
Wakefulness and sleep are fluid
It’s cosy here
Hygge
With a warm cup of tea
A book that provides a whole world to sink into
And best of all, the company who doesn’t intrude on the quiet
Who simply adds to the feel of home-
I just found my bed after a long, wet day
I’m finally warm, dry, safe
I have a glass of wine
I’m surrounded by windows
I can hear the rain
I miss you
Greener
If you could make me into anything you wanted
into the kind of girl you could fall in love with…
What would you change
What would I say
Would I be strong
Tell you when you were wrong
And would I stay
This girl you loved
Would I stay
If you could make the world around
The dream you’re craving
What would you change
Where you’re living
How you’re giving
Would your sidewalks remain the same
See the faces you see everyday
Who would smile first
You or me
And would it be worth everything we’ve done
She’s perfect in every way
Slim sweet doe eyed innocence and sex slave lay
This girl you want
Who walks away
If you could make her anything
You wanted
Into the the kind of girl you’d change your world for
Would she hold you up and expect the same
Would she keep to a script you wrote
Would she be smart
Love you back from the start
And when she leaves are you the same
Or would she stay
And when she leaves are you the same
Or would she stay
This girl you want
This girl you’ve loved before
This dream you’re craving
Greener than the world you’re hating
What would you change
What would you change
And would she stay
Would I stay
Pacific
I am the Pacific
waves rolling surf crashing
I am the give and take as
the marriage of the sea to the land
I may be at times serene and calm
often turbulent, angry, even a little crazy
always wild
but I don’t hide
plumb my depths if you like
who I am, how I feel
its on my face
in pain I scream, I cry, I lash out at myself in anger
in love there is fierce willful joy
I am contrary stubborn dangerous
I am strong I will survive
I change, every moment I am in motion
But in my heart I am the same
an ancient soul, a playful child
A changeling always roaming
can’t find a home if I’m afraid to fail
pushing forward moving onward
I am life giving sweetly loving
I am alive and breathing
sea salted misty air
I cut I bruise I burn bright in the flames of sunset
the stars are my ceiling I am limitless
only held back buy what I’m afraid to reach
today I am the ocean that I love
how I long to put my feet in the tide
lose my breath in the undertow
(the push of fear and the whoosh as it leaves my lungs
the first laughing breath of relief when I break free”
to short and scream and rage as the waves crash around me
to sing out my joy my love my need
and laugh
This One is Mine 