Not Easy

I have all of these random thoughts
My mind is loose
Spiraling
Going down the rabbit hole
On a journey with no map, no
Chosen destination
Randomly twelve year old me thinks
“Someday, someone is going to want me”
And abruptly
Thirty three year old me starts crying
The quiet part of my mind watches
Detached
Surprised
In exhaustion I feel both the sensations that I am “Okay”
and also horribly sad at the same time
I sit up
The thought spiral is broken as now this one phrase has stuck on repeat like a broken record
And I can’t stop the sadness
Or the longing
Or the wishing
I’m still that 12 year old kid
Hoping that when I grow up
I’ll be attractive to someone
Something will change
There’s still time
To change my life
To start a new phase
To meet new people
There’s still time
For someone to want me